Guys, its been ONE YEAR since I started my blog.
I was going to make this a far more upbeat post and then look what happened in Boston. Not making for an upbeat Aiyana. Also lets get real here, I’m still pretty emotionally unbalanced from the whole unexpectedly-single thing and I’m just not up for pretending to be one of those super happy go lucky bloggers today. Sometimes I feel like I should just write what I really feel everyday, but then I remember that The Bloggess has that niche pretty well covered but she’s WAY funnier than I am because she buys giant chickens and names them Beyonce and I’m just pessimistic and broke from my shopping addiction. So mostly I post outfit photos because people are way more interested in that than they are in self pity. Rightly so, I mean really who wants to hear it? But unfortunately for you I broke my camera, so self pity is all I got.
Sometimes I feel like ALL I DO is complain on here about the latest thing, but this entire last year has literally been one. thing. after. another. ALL YEAR. I would refer you to my first post, and would like you to note that I am still pretty much just as angry about it now. I actually started blogging because while being an outlet for my anger in some ways, it also forces me to stay positive (or at least, compose a positive post) and it occupies my time. See, if given time to dwell, I tend to get depressed. What happened in Boston is a perfect example. What happened in Stuebenville. What happens every day all over the world. If given the time to think about what happened to me today, or last week, or last year, or five years ago- I will sit, and I will dwell and I will cry. I’m pretty sure today alone I’ve broken down in tears at least ten times. Sometimes there are just so many things wrong in the world I can’t help it.
The main reason I started a blog, is because I have always felt, even from a young age, compelled to write. To write is to convert emotion to language that a man who has never before felt it can understand. How best to choose the words to explain a thing like love, or senseless hate? For me, writing has always been an emotional process, it is an expulsion of feeling in the written form, it is therapy.
It’s something I’ve struggled with this whole year of posting. In some ways, this blog is therapy, which is not always pretty. I try to stay positive because for one thing, really, I KNOW NO ONE wants to hear my shit… but sometimes that’s why I have to blog it. In this last year my life has been changing non-stop and I have been burning out and going crazy and trying to get by. Its been really hard and I have needed an outlet and I am thankful for all my lovely readers who put up with it.
I’ve had a very painful year of what I would consider to be personal betrayals and downright bad luck. First, I was lied to by my supervisors for months prior to being laid off at the last legal moment, after working for le chateau for over 3 years. I was laid off because they were closing that store. (Recently I discovered that in fact, it has been renovated and is reopened. Another giant slap in the face, but whatever.) I started the blog, then my laptop immediately broke because I couldn’t afford a new one, so I used my then boyfriends computer. He did not clear his browser history prior to giving me his password and as a result, I accidentally learned he was contacting “undesirables” (shall we call them) via craigslist. Quite delightful. After five years together, I moved out and moved home. A few weeks later, while riding a horse my friend had been having problems with, my pelvis was broken when she reared and landed on me, leaving me bedridden and unable to work (or do anything else) all summer long. My champagne birthday was spent sans champagne with family and a few close friends, just a few days after being released from the hospital. Two weeks after my accident, my high school “best friend” and I got into an argument which ended our friendship. It wasn’t until the blatant hypocrisy of the situation came to light, that I realized our friendship would only be filled with pain until she could confront her own issues, that I decided the fight was no longer worth it. Because of my injury I had to withdraw from SAIT and instead, enrolled in the LAA program at Robertson College. When I moved back to Calgary for school, (I thought) I made it clear to the guy I was seeing how difficult it would be to continue our relationship and that I would not be coming back, but he was quite convincing that we could make it work. I moved to the city in with a family friend… who is actually, literally, certifiable. I had to move out abruptly, I couldn’t follow her ever-changing rules for cleanliness, the schedule for the cats, or pretty much anything else. Really she just needed her own space, which is okay, I just would have preferred not to have been subjected to months of Nazi cleanliness inspections only to be kicked out on a whim. Another blow, but I picked up moved again (into a spare storage room, boo yah) with my best friend. I landed an early practicum and completed it by going to school in the mornings, then working off my practicum hours in the afternoon. When I was officially offered a position in the Firm I was very excited, then he told me by text two days later that he was having a hard time staying committed and that with our jobs it was too hard to see me. I’ve never been dumped before, but out of the blue, via text, because of getting a job seems like a pretty shitty first experience to me. Then Boston got bombed and it somehow didn’t matter as much, and at the same time it started hurting even more because the world can seem like such a senseless place.
The thing about the world is, it keeps going. We keep going.
So… that’s pretty much where I’m at. All this year though I have been telling myself that maybe its just a year of bad karma or something, actually, I’ve been kinda clinging to it- that it will be one year! Anyways, if my theory holds (and it will damn you!) according to this sign, which marks the beginning of the year of the terrible things, April 13, 2013 should be the end of it. So I am counting on things getting better from here on out. Power of positive thinking people. Apparently that works.